*For the purpose of this blog I am referring to Romantic Partnership.
In coaching, the topic of relationship often comes up, especially with single women. Have you ever wondered what you need to do to be more desirable to attract a partner? Or wondered what you needed to do to keep the relationship long term and fresh?
There are no cookie mold answers but there are a few things to consider that may help you.
There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows who she is and who is confident about it. This is not to say insecure moments won’t rise but it does mean knowing you are a FABULOUS person and your mate is LUCKY to have YOU in his life.
Yes ladies, you are fabulous, beautiful and amazing people. Each woman has special gifts, abilities and personality that make them unique. There is no other person in this world that is like you and this makes you SPECIAL. For that reason alone I am telling you to hold your head high and know you are perfect the way you are.
Confidence is not about having a perfect body, clear skin, long hair or whatever else you may be telling yourself you need to have or be in order to be desirable. It is about knowing you are perfect exactly as you are right now.
Your inability to set and maintain boundaries is an invitation for your man to play small. If you want your man to step up then you must be clear on what your expectations are.
If you want to be in a committed relationship that involves just the two of you be clear on what the benefits are for that relationship and then the secret is do not give those benefits in your casual relationships.
Each time you give your man the benefits of a committed relationship in your casual relationship you are actually saying there is no benefit to the commitment.
A good example is sex. If you and your man are openly dating other people and you are both sexually active within that openness then you cannot use sex as your benefit…because you are already giving him that benefit.
The other side of the coin would be you are both openly dating other people but you are not engaging sexually unless you are in a committed relationship…now you have a benefit.
Just to be clear, I am not saying don’t have sex with someone unless you are in a committed relationship, I am just saying you can’t use sex as the benefit.
There are exceptions to this rule. For example if you are currently sexual active and you or your partner want to explore a different aspect of that sexual relationship you can say that is only something you are willing to do with your committed partner. Now there is a benefit once more.
Sex is only one benefit you may offer to a long term committed relationship but there are many more such as living together, vacations together, or even cooking and cleaning.
Surrender to your mate
This next part may not make me very popular with some women however before you burn me at the stake look at it as a part of the big picture of relationship.
Surrender is about trust and energy exchange. In a relationship there must be both masculine and feminine energy present in order to work. If there is only masculine energy, there will be fighting for position and there is nothing sexy about that. If there is only feminine energy nothing will ever happen because each person is going with the flow.
“What do you want for dinner? I don’t know; what do you want for dinner?” Someone needs to take the lead or you will both starve.
Think back to the 1950’s housewife. The wife stayed home and did the cooking, cleaning and raised the children and the man went to work and provided the money for the household. In Leave it to Beaver, June Cleaver was always happy to see her husband come home. MEN LIKE THIS!
I am not saying that women should revert back to the 1950’s but planning times when you treat your man like a king will make him want to treat you like his queen. He needs to feel special. He needs to know you need him Ask him to open the jar of pickles once in a while. Yes, you are fully capable of opening the jar but let him know he has PURPOSE in your life.
Let him make some decisions and the TRUST in him, that his decision is the best one. If it is not, don’t punish him by refusing to trust his decision making skills again. We all make bad decisions once in a while.
If you truly feel that something he is suggesting is not something you can live with then YES, speak up, he needs you to have an opinion and to trust him enough to share your concerns with him. This also shows him that you value yourself enough to speak up.
Let him open your doors. We live in a society where the little things that made men feel like men and women like women are now thrown back at them and made wrong. Society is literally removing the spine of our men and WE are encouraging it by showing them we don’t need them for anything.
I recently went out on a date where my partner met me at the door, opened all doors, walked on the outside of traffic, asked what I wanted for a meal and drink and then made the order to the server, paid for meal and then walked me back to my door. I have NEVER felt so valued on a date. It took a bit for me to surrender but ladies when I did, it was sparks and magic.
This is the most important – SHOW UP!
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew the person was on another planet? Of course you have, this is human nature. We all get distracted by life, TV or thoughts floating in our heads. It is impossible to be present 100% of the time but it is possible to give someone 100% your attention for blocks of time.
Being present does not mean you can’t do your own things but it means checking in once in a while, whether it is speaking, cuddling, or a kiss….something that says I am here.
When your partner is talking, listen to what they are saying. Try not to judge their words, find the hidden meanings (hint – often they mean what they are saying), start preparing your rebuttal to them; just hear them. Give to them the listening ear you would want for yourself. You will find your communication becomes more open, more honest and miscommunications happen less and less.
Make eye contact with your partner. This shows your partner you are with them. Try to relax and laugh and smile more with them, this lets them know you feel safe in their presence.
Play with your partner – get active and have fun. If a relationship always feels serious and heavy it will always feel like work. Yes, relationships are work but they do not have to be a chore. Find ways to be together in joy so that when something hard happens you can more easily support one another.
Good relationships are about complementing your life not complicating them. The best relationships have “whole” people coming together in an effort to make one another’s life brighter and fuller. They are not there to complete one another. They are there serve each other and support one another in the greater good of each other.