Growing up I used to talk to myself.
God, you’re stupid.
F*ck, get your sh*t together.
How the hell are you going to screw this up?
No wonder no one wants to be with you.
Look at your fat a$$.
No one likes a whiner so get over it.
Could you look more like sh*t?
You couldn’t sing to save your life.
You will never succeed in life because you are not good enough.
No matter how hard you try you’re always going to come up short.
You’re not worth the effort.
You will never be good enough.
What did you expect?
I used to say terrible things about myself.
I used to say the things I heard growing up.
I lived my life struggling to be good enough.
I lived my days filled with a broken down spirit.
I could not accept the parts of me I saw as weakness;
Emotions,
Compassion,
Vulnerability,
Gentleness,
Being a woman.
Had I been born a man my life would have been different.
If I was going to succeed I needed to have bigger balls.
I needed to exert my dominance to prove I was better,
Worthy, deserving, valid….
So many years of not knowing how to love myself.
Not knowing how truly magical, wonderful, and beautiful I truly was.
I could not see what was in front of me.
Looking back in the mirror.
I could not understand why people wanted to be near me.
Why men flocked to be with me.
I could not see my own light.
Change did not happen overnight.
There was no magical pill to cure me.
I stumbled and fell more times than can be counted.
There was heartache, heart break, and self loathing.
Moments of clarity, breakthroughs and breakouts.
It was small but I started changing.
I started catching myself when I was beating myself up.
I started realizing that if someone talked to another the same way I would stand up to them.
Yet I was doing it to myself.
That day, I made myself a promise.
I promised I would learn to love myself.
I promised I would stop abusing the little girl inside me.
I promised I would try to do better by me.
The journey has not always been easy.
I have fallen hard and spiraled into the abyss.
I have had moments of true beauty and total love.
Everyday I remind myself I am worthy, deserving, capable.
When I look in the mirror I tell myself;
God, you are so smart.
Look at everything you have accomplished so far.
What challenge are you going to rock today?
It’s no wonder people want to be near you.
Look at your fabulous a$$.
It’s Okay to whine for a bit, remember you’ve got this.
Could you look any better?
Have fun doing the things that bring you joy today, even if it is not perfect.
You are successful in life when you show up and do your best.
You will only fail if you don’t try – everything else is leaning.
You are worth the effort.
You are always good enough.
What did you expect?
I learned to love myself