As I laid on the massage table this afternoon my tears flowed easily even as I tried to hold them back. It has been several months since my mom transitioned to the other side and still my heart feels an emptiness I did not know could survive.
I felt the tension of my back muscles rebel against the skilled fingers of the masseuse as she pressed, pulled and lingered with each tight ball until my body had no choice but to yield.
We spoke of the loss of our parents, another member of club; the Dead Parents Club. When my mom passed I met so many people who were just in the process of losing a parent, or had recently lost a parent and I realized that each of us shared something that brought us together…grief. It was then I decided the death of my mom gave me a membership to this dead parent club. Not one member wanted to be there and yet we all were and we all will be one day. Although our stories may be different, one thing was not; the loss of a parent is a soul deep loss that will always be felt regardless of how much time passes. This is not to say we do not move on, move forward, just that the loss is always with us.
The tears continued to flow as my muscles loosened. It has been almost six months since I received the news of her passing and on a day like today it feels likes moments ago. I know this is all part of the process and the healing. I knew a day like today would sneak up on me and take my breath away. Not that any of this makes my heart hurt any less.
Even in this moment of deep sorrow I feel my heart awakening to life once more. It is like I am experiencing a rebirth of what is to be my life for the next little while.
I have had many indirect people from my past come into my experience lately. They have popped in and show me that my anger has passed. That my heart is no longer hurting for the betrayal I felt would consume me less than a year ago. They are showing me that with time everything shifts, and this moment will too.
I have been dreaming of my mom. Whether we are talking over coffee (how I wish I could remember the conversations) or sneaking out of town, destination unknown, she has been close. I have felt her presence, her arms wrapped around me holding me safe. This feels both like a blessing and a curse. It makes the grief so close to the surface and yet so reassuring knowing she is always with me.
Tonight I plan to be gentle with myself. I will not jar my sensitive heart but allow for it to rest and grieve. Tonight I will do something that brings me joy. It may be dancing around my house or maybe it will be connecting with a dear friend. It really matters not what I do but how I treat my heart.