I have been struggling with my body lately. The way it looks and the way it feels. It does not help that I am having out breaks of hives which are being treated with steroids. As a result I have put on an extra 23 pounds of weight; puffy and heavy weight. As someone who is already overweight the extra tonnage feels like a million extra pounds. I am huffing and puffing as I go up the stairs, or walk from my car to the door.
Prior to going on holidays I arranged to start working with personal trainer. This trainer is setting up a work out based on my body and strengths. They have been warned that I am sorely out of shape and a bit of a whiner. They are aware I will put in the work but that I will complain the whole time. I am very happy that we could both laugh about this knowing that I will have my personal struggle but that in the end I will get through each work out, each week…
I faced the humiliation of needing a seat belt extender on the plane. I was so embarrassed to have to ask. I felt like a fat cow. Quickly I felt any body glory I had, leave me. I did not feel pretty and I did not feel attractive. I felt flat out, grossly fat.
Then there was snorkeling… They provided the mask, the flippers and the waist belt…the waist belt that once again I was too fat for. I decided to snorkel without the belt but as a result trying to snorkel became even more difficult. I got out of the water within a couple of minutes because of getting a mouth full of salt water causing me to panic and start to cramp. I really was a “less than hot mess”.
As a part of the hives and the needing to release weight I am suppose to have started a food journal. I am supposed write down what I eat, how much I eat and how many calories I am consuming. Yet, I am struggling, resisting; refusing actually. I am not sure what is going on with me. I am feeling lost and feeling completely out of sorts.
Now to be clear, my trip was amazing and there is still so much left for me to process. Much came up while I was sitting on the beach. I found myself feeling a sense of loss, a sense of yearning. I felt completely lost and in the same breath completely inspired to take action and make changes.
I put a lot of thought into my health. I am not happy with my lack of strength in my body. Yes I have a plan to work out in the gym three days a week with a partner. I am working with the personal trainer once a week. But really this is not enough. I realized that I need to change my eating habits and shopping habits. I am known to buy a fridge full of vegetables and then hit the fast food line up instead of coming home and making a salad or healthy dinner…even though I know I feel better when I am eating cleaner. This prompted a conversation about “Kissing the Frog”. Simply put, I know movement makes me feel good but I will talk myself out of it given every chance. So if I want to go out for food, meet up with friends, and watch TV, I must “Kiss the Frog” at least once a day. So for me on days that I am not scheduled for the gym or with my trainer I have scheduled myself a 30 minute dance time.
I feel beautiful when I dance. I fee sexy and sensual. Since I am not feeling either of those things right now, my Kiss the Frog is 30 minutes of sensual, sexual chair dancing. Three days a week I am dancing with my chair in my living room working on loving my body and finding my sexual beast once more.
So friends, right now I am not feeling good about myself. However, I know that this is just a small part of my journey. It is going to take some time and it is going to take some commitment on my behalf, not to mention some gentle loving self talk to get me through this struggle…but make no mistake, I will get through this and I will emerge stronger in mind, body and soul.