2012 – oh what a feeling

I have been afraid to write this year. I do not even know where to start but to say I did not think most of what I had to say was relevant to the world. After last night, as I heard my own words calling bullshit to a dear sister who voiced the same concern, I realized that I have been hurting myself by not expressing myself and my happenings. I realized that this has been an amazing, incredible, painful and abundant year and I have expressed very little of it.

2012 started much the same as every other year. You know –quiet…LOL
I was still single (still am). I was a little stressed about the new promotion I took on (could I really do it?). I was reflecting on the previous year wondering how I could have done it better…fuller? There was even a little regret…had I made all the best choices I could have made? I had decided I was burnt out from all the previous blogging and decided I would not blog as much in 2012. I told my addiction that I would not be his whore this year and I meant it. I had finally set a boundary of real love for myself and I was able to stay true to it with ease and grace.
Mom was still battling with her arm, not healing as she should be. A concern I tried not to focus on. I was watching my son become a man in his own skin on his own journey. He was making decisions and although he asked my opinion he did not stray from his choices. Yes, life was moving forward – what difference would I feel in 2012?….
So now I am at the end of the year and I am sitting here struggling to get clear on what my year has been. There have been many deep shifts. I have felt them although many have been left un-named, unknown, just felt.  I opened my heart to a man who shattered it to a million pieces and I am so grateful to him for his part in my life. It was with him that I learned what it meant to fully open my heart and what it meant to feel whole love for another (not family) I learned to feel a death of that love and to be grateful the whole time my heart was breaking because it meant I had loved so deep. I learned that I could heal from the hurt and continue to love and to date knowing that I gave it all and had no regret for the end.
It was about this time I realized that many shifts had occurred. I had no regret for loving and being hurt. I was able to step back into my heart of the past and really see my relationships for what they were. I was able to release the hurt I was still holding and allow the love to flow for these men…lessons…teachers… When I was complete I felt a deeper love for them then I had ever allowed while I still knew them.
All the while I felt myself getting clearer and more real with myself. I had more responsibility placed on me at work and I relished with the challenge of “fixing” everything I thought to be wrong. I gave my all to the work I was doing and making the best choices I could be in my own integrity with each decision I was making. Not always easy but always felt true.
I volunteered at a course for relationships and opened myself to all and all showed up. In a moment I went from having no contact with ex’s to suddenly being inundated with messages from them.
It was easy at first to laugh and say hello back but then the email came. The one I knew would but was not sure how I would react. The man who hurt me so deeply sent an email to say he was thinking about me. I felt such rage towards him. I did not wish him ill however I wanted him to know he was out of line and that there was not a hope of coming back unless he could stand in the fire that was my hurt. I did not want his apology; I wanted him to be the man I saw in him. I wanted him to take responsibility for his choices and own them….even if it meant not having me in his life ever again.
I shared my experience, my rage over lunch the following day and a friend who I treasure suggested I was too hard on the men in my life and that I would be alone if I did not lighten up. I panicked. ALONE!!!!!! Fuck that – I am not too hard on men. I have an expectation of integrity and if that is too hard I did not want them…ALONE….ALONe…ALOne…Alone…alone……oh my…..
I was going to be okay. I would rather be alone then with someone who could not be honest and admit truth or who could not keep their word….
It would take almost 6 months to get really clear on the fact that I will not accept a lack of integrity from the man in my life. Mistakes, yes, I make them all the time….however the thought that I would allow my partner, my love, to not be a man of his word is unacceptable to me.  There is a quote that says “You can hurt me with the truth, but  you can never comfort me with a lie”. I feel this deep in my core and I will not allow my love, my mate, my partner to be of disservice to me or him with casuals lies.
Time passed quickly with a little shopping, a little dating…a lot of working and yes a lot of being grateful. I stopped worrying about being alone and started looking at the gifts in my life instead.
I was happy. I mean really happy. I was stressed to the max with all the responsibility I had but all in all I was sincerely happy. I was grounded. I had amazing friends who have become my sisters. They have held me while I cried, laughed with me through the adventure of life. They have encouraged me to shine when I wanted to hide and they have even told me when it was time to back off and reflect.
My boss continued to encourage me and support my growth. My co-workers have become more than a person I say hi to. My son and I have developed a deeper level of respect in our communication and living. I have started spending time with all my family without feeling obligated or hurt by the visits. Yes, the year was flowing smoothly alright.
It was then the world came caving in. Somewhere throughout the year it was noticed that agin my mom was not healing and that there was no choice, another surgery would be her fate. There was not much hope being held out for a positive outcome and amputation would be the end result. The journey with my mom started with the doctors. There were so many appointments and the news never got better.
In November she had her surgery and she came through without any heart failure – a success in my world. It was then we learned her bone was badly infected and that another surgery would be needed, and then a third…They finally got all the infection out of the bone, they removed the metal and sent her home to wait for the dreaded amputation…
I called my brother in Vancouver  and told him the news. I did not want him to hear it on Facebook…. Later that night he called and was on his way to Edmonton  to help look after mom. To help her strengthen her body and get ready to heal the amputation. There was so much honor in the fact that he would travel to another province – stepping away from his home and wife to come and help.
Time with my brother was bittersweet. I do not know that there would ever be enough time to have with him. His visit was amazing and to have the time we did was wonderful. To sit with my brother and talk like the adults we now are was an honor. It made me realize that distance aside this boy (man, now) is still an apple in my eye. I got to remember how much I love him. I got to remember the happy times of our past and I got to feel the pain of our separation and know that in the whole scheme of things we really are not that distant nor have I ever really been from him.
While he was here we talked about his dream of being a Registered Nurse and how frustrated he was that he had been wait listed. He blamed it on poor decisions but the grounding in me knew that was nothing to do with the wait listing. It was about him having a chance to know how it felt to see it slipping away. It is hard to know what is important to you when it is right in front of you however when it is out of reach it is easy to figure out what you really desire. He needed to feel the disappointment in order to know the joy of the call he received stating he was accepted for the January 2013 semester.
The following day was the doctor appointment with mom. We sat and sat. We waited and she was x-rayed. Then we waited some more. The doctor came and sent her for more x-rays. Then the news came that they wanted to give her a brace for her arm. Confused and unable to comprehend we asked about the amputation and were told that her elbow area is developing scar tissue that could work as an elbow…Two years of not healing and in a short three week period a miracle happened and not only was mom starting to heal but she will get to keep her arm.
Even as I write this I feel the immense joy and emotional relief she experienced. Two years of fighting and too many surgeries and one case of her beating heart stopping and once she surrendered to the loss of the limb her body fought. Her body started healing. Her body gave her another option.
In the midst of all of this I also relocated my home. I found a darling little house which brings me joy. It was in desperate need of a total overhaul and with the love, support and grace of my friends that is what it got. New paint, new floors, minor repairs here and there….and although there is still so much to do I have a sense of grounding in my new home. I feel the love of the “bones” to have a family who will love it.
So, no, I have not reflected this year because it has been a whole year of grounding, of healing, of change and of surrender. How does one reflect on that. How does one share it. How do I get across to another in words the deep gratitude I feel with every breath I have taken this year? Why would I mucky this experience with the wrong words in hopes of being understood?
Oh yes, that is right….because it matters.

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