Clearing my mind

As I am preparing for my upcoming Mind Clearing course it has become necessary for me to become more clear on my own struggles in my life. I have a wonderful opportunity to work with a local Clearer and as an added bonus these sessions are filling a mandatory number of sessions I must have done during my first year.

In order to prepare for my sessions I sat in contemplation of what I want to work on for the next few months. Three things stood out for me.

I need to get clear on what I want to present at an upcoming course. I will be working with another woman, whom I am excited to be working with, however I am also very attached to  the course outline I prepared three years ago. I am clear on what I want to present however working with a partner means I need to be open to change and my partner’s ideas…..I know that part of this is going to be resolved with a conversation with my partner. A chance to see where she is coming from and what ideas she has. I know that I am open to the best possible course and I know that I can work with my partner. What I am not clear on is if I am ready to let go of a dream in order to open a new one up…

I know of the three this one will be the easy one to work through, simply because it is a matter of desire and trust. I trust the woman I am working with and I have the desire to present this course to woman and help them heal their personal hurts.

I want to get clear on a pattern in relationship I continue to live out and seems to be appearing faster and faster when I start a relationship with a new man. This is the magic trick known as “The Disappearing Man”.  I continue to attract partners into my life that leave without a work or with a false promise of contact. The more often it is happening the more numb I am becoming and the more I enter into the relationship with the expectation of disappearance.  The truth behind the numb is hurt and painful memories and triggers of being abandoned by my father. I have come a long way in my healing towards my father and yet I continue to attract men that leave, just as he did. The interesting part to me is how quickly the disappearing act starts. It use to be a few weeks, I was lead into ta false sense of security and into a place where I allowed my mind to flow into a future and then BAM! Gone.

In the last couple of months of dating the disappearing act is happening within a couple of weeks, still with the false sense of contact, but still gone without a trace or phone call or even the respect of a “Forget you” text message. Most recently it happened after the first date which was filled with all kinds of false promises of getting to know one another and a future together building a strong foundation  The connection between us felt amazing and I was excited to really get to know this one. The next day the games began. By Saturday they were in full swing and after being stood up I made the decision to no longer play. It would be Tuesday before I heard from this man again, almost a week after no contact. He would then feed me his lines of why he did not call, his embarrassment, and how sorry he was. There was a promise of a call later that night  and once more there was nothing. That night I sent him an email expressing my position in the happenings of the relationship. I would hear form him the following day again with the sorry and excuse of falling asleep upon returning home. I need to see you he said. I told him I had plans. He then sent a text saying it was over and I was in agreement. Disappointed truthfully and very hurt because I was so confused on how one’s words could be so far off of their actions, but still relived.

It would be another three and half days until I received the three in the morning phone call. Seriously, what reason would anyone have to call another at three in the morning? He talked and I struggled to focus and not fall asleep which I am sure I failed at as the next morning I was not even sure I had spoken with him and had to check my phone. Then the text wishing me a good morning.  No response to my text or to my call which went straight to voice mail. Yes, another moment which he disappears…

Finally I am wanting to get clear on coming into alignment with my body  and my mind. I have struggled with my body for as long as I can remember. Not that I do not love my body but I have never had a realistic  view of what my body looks like.

When I was younger I thought I was fat, when I got fat I got into a skinny mind set…it seems regardless of what my actual body looked like I have made up my mind to what it is and have run with it. I remember looking at a picture of myself in 2002 and i had to ask who it was in the photo…I had no clue I had gotten so large…I seriously did not realize that I had put on so much weight – how was it even possible? However this also made me look at photos taken of me a few years earlier (my better know “Fat” days) and was shocked to see a young woman with an amazing body. I had curves in all the right spots, an hour glass figure actually. I was fit and had muscle tone – how had I gone so many years and never knew I looked so good.

I have spent the better part of 37 years being totally out of reality with my body. I know I am overweight however after years of working on my confidence and really getting in touch with my self worth I have just felt better, lighter, more flexible, more bright and overall happier.

Then recently it hit me. I don’t know what shifted but I became very aware of my body. I felt the full heaviness of my weight. I feel it with every step. I am getting more and more winded by doing the simplest forms of exercise. I can barely dance a full song without feeling the pressure on my knee joints, winded from the movement and breaking out in a sweat. Walking causes a burning in my legs and feet… I can barely sit cross legged….all the things I took for granted in my body have become a struggle, a hurtle to get over….all because for the first time in my whole life I feel my body.

I feel the effects of my poor diet decisions when I chose to eat gluten and yet I continue to make the poor decision. As I sit here writing I can not help but think about the taste of pasta and which I had that for dinner instead of the gluten free salad (The better choice for my well being)  It is time for me to get clear on my body and my mind. It is time to bring the two into one and stop living a life that does not actually support my well being.

For a moment I panicked about what this would mean for my self worth and esteem regarding my body. At this time I am seeing my body for every curve it has, over hanging belly and sagging “bat wings” with an interest. I am not  judging what i am finally seeing but I am actually seeing it and for the first time it is like I am exploring what is actually my body and not the body in my mind. It feels crazy when i really think about it. I mean I have touched my body, I have looked at it naked in a mirror – how could I continue to look at and feel but never actually see what was in front of me?

Getting my mind and soul in line was “easy”. I|t was a long journey and there were many heart wrenching moments but looking back I see what made me stronger and i can sit here and say it was easy. It is my hope that in a few months I look back at this final part of my journey and say the same thing – that is was easy to bring my mind, body and soul into complete alignment and truly live my life as an example to people around me. I will never be a super skinny woman nor do I aspire to be however I do aspire to feel and look good both inside and outside.

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