Cycles are a circle and have a start, middle and an end. It does not matter the situation there will always be a start, middle and end; this is the natural cycle of life. As one cycle ends another always starts until we come to rest in final death. In the past month I have been experiencing death* or end of cycles, in mass amounts.
As I have shared with my readers previously I have been dealing with a health issue which has been a main focus for me in the past couple of years. I have attended doctor appointments, day surgeries, specialist and more trying to find the reason and solution to the lack of iron in my body. This lack of iron has changed my ability to handle stress, think quickly and handle fast pace environments.
In 2007, I jumped into a position that I knew nothing about. I trained on the job and faced many challenges and made many mistakes. However as the days turned into months then years I got good at what I did. I built strong relationships and worked endless hours ensuring I knew my job and could handle all challenges as they arose.
With the lack of iron it has been frustrating and frightening watching my ability to manager and handle properties slip. It was with a heavy heart I made the decision that I could no longer do that position to the ability that I had come to expect of myself. I made the decision to step down into an administrative role which would allow for me to have less stress, no overtime calls, and no late night meetings and generally be able to rest my mind and body.
In March the search for my replacement started and near the end of the month the successful applicant was found. By the middle of the month they started and I was into training mode. I quickly realized that I was resisting the training. I was feeling displaced and confused. I could not handle the feeling of hurt that I could so easily be replaced…I realized that my ego had raised it’s head and was leading my body and mind because my heart shut down.
In the midst of this transition my relationship ended very surprisingly. I accidentally found out he was seeing another woman while he was back in Jamaica and I was here in Canada planning our wedding and setting up our home for his daughter to come and live.
The moment I saw the picture I felt like someone punched the air out of my body leaving me breathless and numb. I immediately tried to make contact only to be told I was over reacting and that it was a joke. I was not laughing. I spent the next week investigating his lies only to find out he had been cheating on me for a while. With each new piece of evidence I found I felt my heart shut down a little more.
I was going to be a mom again. Something that I have desired for a long time and for medical reasons could not happen. I had built a relationship with this little girl for many months and to know that I would no longer be able to have her in my life killed my heart a little more.
My feeling of loss was overwhelming. I could not believe how quickly my world was crashing in around me, burying me under grief and so much anger. It had been a long time since I allowed myself to feel anger; to feel the bitter taste of resentment in my mouth, the burn of resentment in my belly; the closing of my heart.
In less than a month, two major cycles in my life have come to completion. One has been reborn as a new position and the other is still being processed. I continue to allow myself to feel the grief and to allow myself the space to feel my heart broken.
I have found myself fearing closing down and never loving another man, never trusting anyone fully again. In moments I feel so lost, lacking the ability to breathe and trust in myself to make a decision. I use to think I was a good judge of people and now I feel myself questioning everything and everyone. It hurts my heart being in this space however I don’t know that I can trust myself to jump and not land on my face. I recently revisited the sever stages of grief** as a reminder to myself that I will get through this and that although it is an ending it is not the end of me. I still have a pulse therefore I am not dead.
*Death does not necessarily indicate physical death. In fact, in general it indicates transformation and change.
**7 Stages of Grief
1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE