Tonight I had a phone conversation with a girlfriend and felt something I have not felt in much too long. I felt the tingle of butterflies when hearing a past love had made an appearance in her life and asked about me. Not the “me” he once knew but the mention of the new name and how is she?
I was ecstatic. I know that we were once poison to one another however the heart flutters regardless. I was instantly transported back to a time in my life when my heart knew I loved him, my soul connected with him but my spirit knew we were not meant for this lifetime.
I was connected to this man in a way I could not understand. I was attracted to him and would cream my jeans just from a smile. But it was more than sexual. We knew each other at a level that to this day I have not again experienced. I knew when he was near. I knew when he was looking at me even before I turned to face him. I also knew that his regular visits to my place of employment were about more than just hanging out.
I was told that shortly after the day I told him I was leaving he stopped coming in. Just like that not a single visit in seven years and then like magic he came in and sat at the table of my soul sister. She tells me he put on a little weight and that his face filled out. The thought of him with a little extra weight makes me smiles…not because I am evil but because I too have put on weight and it shows that we are both getting older.
Although I am with someone I hope to build a future of forever with I cannot help but feel the giddy excitement of my nineteen year old self. I cannot help but be transported back to the first night we hung out both as single people. I feel the beat of the music thumping through my body, the taste of another rye and coke down my throat, and the full body flirting I was well known for. I see the four of us on the coffee table and feel it crumble beneath my feet as we laugh and hold each other. I hear the cockiness of my attitude as we talk about people I must be too young to know as he lists off my family members. I am feeling it all in this moment and it feels like my nervous system is going to explode.
I feel the passion of our first sexual encounter followed by the years of frustration as we both tried to forget it. I see the hurt in his eyes the second time we came together and my heart fills with sorrow knowing I was the one to cause the hurt…then I flashback to the only time we kissed. I knew in that moment that I could never again touch him because I would lose myself forever.
In this moment I want to scream and express of the feminine flow pulsing through my body. I feel lightheaded and crazy and like I just turned back time 20 years. Shit….20 years and the mention of his name and the knowing that he still thinks of me…There will never be another, in this lifetime that makes me feel like this and I think this is a good thing.
If you are reading this – Thank you, you have made me feel young and sexy again and I will never forget you.