I have come to notice that I write best when I am going through some type of struggle. When life is flowing without struggle I seem to have little to nothing to say. This year has been a flow year. Nothing too big is happening, nothing I can not control is happening. Life is in flow without highs and lows…and I am missing the drama….
Yes, I like the drama of highs and lows in my life. It is with the drama that I see the growth, the learnings, and the insights. As I flow at this mostly even pace I know I am shifting, I feel the difference in my mind, body, and soul however there are no big wins, no big learnings…no big insights.
I did not realize that I had come to depend on the roller coaster to recognize the learning. Currently I am working on a Genius course….learning to recognize and live my genius and what I have come to understand is I know what my Genius is – my passion, my bliss…..
So what is stopping me? What is it that I am lacking in myself that keeps me stuck just outside the full on genius that I know is me? My body is ready to feel the bliss of my genius, my heart is ready to share my genius…however I am here, just outside of it looking at it through a veil wondering if I am truly worthy of having it all…..
Recently I was working on a dyad practice and I commented that lately I am sitting outside my emotional body observing my emotions instead of embodying them. It is a weird sensation to watch my emotions and not be full in them. My heart still yearns, my eyes cry…My love is deep and strong and my laughter is true….yet there is this disconnect I have never experienced before. At first I mistook it for being numb….then I realized there was nothing numb about how I was feeling – I was just lacking the drama of it…the highs and the lows….
Then it occurred to me that maybe for the first time in my life I was no longer in need of the drama, the highs and lows to know what I am experiencing. Maybe I have finally gotten in touch with my truth at a level that keeps me flowing at the same pace…or maybe I am completely full of it…..
I tried to get serious regarding the disconnect I was feeling…to fix it…but quickly got tired of trying to make it something more than it is. I got tired of trying to make myself wrong…in fact I got downright lazy about it. I started spending more time curled up on my couch…watching TV and sleeping. Then I started to worry…was I burying my head in the sand? I have done it before after major learnings….could that be it?
No… I am not burying my head in the sand…..I am just accepting myself for what and where I am in this moment of this journey. Imagine that, after all these years of “Faking it” I have finally made it….I accept myself who and what I am in this moment.