Dear Diary, (HAHAHAHAHA)
It has finally happened. I have finally reached a place in my own healing journey that my recent return trip to my childhood home brought me nothing but good feelings and good emotions. I knew with time and with gentleness I would reach a place within me that I would be able to walk through my childhood home and be okay. I knew that with some breath work I could reach a space within me that was calm and that was willing to explore further.
Over the years I have done a yearly trip back to the place I once called home. Each trip brought a little more healing and a little less resentment. I have been able to view my hometown as an outsider and see the beauty of it. I have been able to enjoy the mountains and the fresh water lakes but being within the town has been hard. What if someone sees me and wants to talk? What if they are family do I walk away and pretend I did not see them or maybe I just say hi and tell them I only stopped for gas?
This time my friends and I stayed in a cabin and it was a blessing with it’s air conditioning. I truly do not remember my home being so freaking hot. It seemed the more relaxed I felt in the environment the hotter the weather got as if to say “See it is nice here”. And if I was to be honest with myself it was so nice. It was relaxing to float in the pool and the lake. It was exhilarating to push my limits climbing the mountain hiking trail and walking the boardwalk as fast as I could. It was lying on the bench breathing heavy that I realized I was in love with my surroundings. It was that moment that I knew I needed to be her and that I needed to be a part of this place for a while longer.
Over the next few days I realized I want to be here for longer. I want to live here for a month in the summer. How do I make that happen? How do I afford to take a month off and live in another town paying rent and bills in both locations? I do not have the answers yet but I have time to work things out. I could take a leave from work. That would allow me the time to go. I could maybe even arrange to work from out of town. Something to think about.
I have also made a fuller commitment to myself to be kind to my health and my body. I started working with a dietician in July. I managed to do my trip and stay on healthy choices as well as get my body use to moving. When I came home I slept for a couple of days but I am now back in the swing of moving my body. I am looking to release some weight while strengthening my body. I realize how out of shape I am and how laboring it is to move it with the weight I am. I know that I need to bring my body and mind into alignment if I am going to get and stay healthy. Besides when I go back to my home town for a month next summer I have some goals of what I want to be able to do. I want to be able to go back country hiking in the mountains I use to take for granted. I want to be a stronger swimmer and go swimming in the lakes that are available to me.
I am turning 40 in December and I want to head into this new decade happy, healthy and fit. The only way to do that is to change my thoughts and to get my body moving. I made a list of what I enjoy doing and then pulled all the exercise videos I own (lots, just saying) and then put them in order of easy to hard. Then I popped one in and started. It was not an easy start, in fact I only did 20 minutes of the 40 minutes on the video. In the past I would have berated myself for failing but today I was happy to have done the first 20 minutes. I know as my body starts to move it will become easier and I will get through the full video with ease and grace…and yes some sweating too.
Well it is time to sweat a bit more while I steam clean my house and make it feel fresh and clean.