Owning my sexual Energy
There was a time in my life when I thought I was in control of my sexual body and sexual energy. It was only a few months ago that I learned the my sexual body and sexual energy were in control of me.
I had thought that if I chose to dress in a low cut top with ample boobs showing coupled with a short skirt or tight jeans that I was in control of what people thought and how they would respond to me. I leaked sexual energy everywhere I went and yes men wanted my body, not me, my body.
A woman can dress very sexy and not leak sexual energy. Yes men and woman may look at here and they pass some type of judgment but it is the woman’s response or reaction to the judgment coupled with her intent that determines who is “owning her sexuality”
If the intent is to impress, turn on everyone or make someone jealous then she is not in control of her sexual energy, she is leaking it or just plainly giving it away to another.
I remember getting out of bed one morning and pulling my hair into a ponytail, pulling on my mate’s too big sweat pants and my hole filled blue sweatshirt which was about 4 times too big for me. I felt like a “scrub” When I went into the kitchen my mate’s best friend was pouring coffee and commented that I looked really sexy. I laughed at him and he told me he meant it. I was confused because the night before I wore a low cut top and tight jeans and he never even looked my way.
I questioned what was sexy about how I looked and he told me – I was always a sexy woman but it was in that outfit he realized I did not know it and that was more sexy then when I tried to look sexy.
That conversation was close to 10 years ago and it is the last little while that I have come to understand what he may have meant. In that moment being sexy was a state of mind not a state of clothing. It was about being confident and secure in who I was in that moment. It was about being soft and vulnerable.
As a woman who has healed many sexual traumas in my body and soul I found a place of knowing within my body. I no longer feel the need to show skin to attract another instead now I was my clothing as a way to ascent features giving an illusion of what my body looks like. I have found an art of looking sexy without having to “give myself away”
When I was younger I would use my one night stands to measure how sexy I looked. Offers to be taken home counted as points as well. There was a time I would go to a night club and I did not leave alone. I did not respect myself, my body or know that sex could be sacred.
Healing my sexual energy was not an overnight success. In fact it has been a journey like no other. I have been sexual molested as a child by a neighbor,uncle and cousin. After a few years of counseling I was raped by a boyfriend which I want back to counseling. As a young adult I had many one night stands and used sex as a weapon to get what I wanted. Then as an adult I did some more work around the trauma and forgave myself allowing myself to be a victim to the sexual abuse as a child, teenager and young adult.
When I got involved in a long term commitment with a man I thought the abuse was done. However it was not, even after forgiving myself for the abuse I put myself into situations where once more I was abusing myself sexually with men. It was not unit the summer of 2010 that I realized somewhere along my road of life I adopted the belief I was only worth sex. It was only then I really started to heal and to own my sexuality.
The first step I took was setting boundaries. I had decided I would not have sex with anyone I was dating for at least 3 months. I decided that if I was dating more than one person I would not have sex with anyone until I decided who I wanted to be with. I was tested and I stayed “strong” to my commitment to myself – it was the first time ever. Then I started dating a man I had slept with in the past. He was at first confused about this behavior of mine and when he pushed too hard I walked away. It was in that moment he believed I would not have sex with him. He believed he would need to wait three months and then it still might not happen.
We developed ground rules for our relationship to make it easier to get to know each other without the temptation of sex. One night he shared a set of ground rules I could not live with. I left him that evening hurt and confused. After some time to think about how I felt I was able to put into words that the ground rules he was setting felt like punishment for not wanting sex and that by allowing these rules I was saying to myself that I am not worthy of tenderness or love unless sex is involved. I told him I would not be in a relationship like that. We were able to talk openly and he shared with me how difficult it was for him to hold me and feel me surrender my body and heart into him without being able to physically express his full love for me in the moment.
Together we come up with ground rules which served both of us deeper and allowed our relationship to grow and be deeper then it had before. Our communication with one another is deeper and more truthful. I am able to express my vulnerability to him without being abused or abusive.
The other night I was getting ready to go to the club to dance and I was feeling very sexual. When I finished dressing I looked in the mirror and laughed – I had chosen to wear a pair of flowy pants with a loose knit top which had a scoop neckline which fell about 3 inches from my collar bone, brushed against my breasts but did not cling to them. My hair was straight and loose and I realized in that moment – fully covered – I looked extremely sexy. I was sexy because it was an attitude. I was not out to impress anyone I was only here to feel good about myself. That night I danced with several men all of which showed me respect by not touching my body and trying to “hook-up” with me. In fact I was told I was a classy lady and that my mate was a lucky man.
Owning your sexual energy means you do not need another to confirm you are beautiful, sexy and amazing. It means not giving away sex to anyone who will take it. It means respecting yourself and respecting your body. When you treat yourself like a Devine Being others will too.
The greatest gift I have ever given myself was love of who I am in the moment. It has allowed me to like myself, respect myself and be true to who I am.