It has been a while since I have last written. I would like to say it is because I have had nothing new to say but that would be a lie. The real issue is some resistance I am having right now to my personal journey. I feel resistance in each step and in each movement forward.
I do not have my heart engaged in what I am doing. I feel like I am walking through the motions of life with no heart, no luster, and no passion. Recently I advertised for a Body Within course and got very little response to the advertising. Normally I would put in extra effort to get the results I desired (10 participants) however I did not. Instead I stepped back and just watched as no one signed up and thought “hmmm, interesting”.
Lately I have been getting iron infusions which have given me more desire to be doing something in life however I am feeling like I have no clue what that is. It is like I am at a stand still in my life and I have no idea how to move forward or even if I should be at this time.
This is the time of year I usually feel creative and energized to move into a new project. Instead I am feeling a little lost, very stuck and totally uninspired. In fact I am even struggling to write this in this moment. I know I promised to write something about oil pulling but I have not gotten to that either. It is like I have a list of things to do but I do not want to be doing any of it. I am not sure what is going on.
I wonder if my last three months of low energy have taken away my drive and passion for pushing myself. Maybe the lesson of being gentle with myself and allowing myself to rest has been taken too far and now I have to relearn how to move forward and get stuff done. Then again maybe I am just not meant to be pushing right now. Maybe I am meant to be resting and relaxing my mind, body and heart. Maybe I am preparing for something and I am not willing to open to it quite yet…So many maybes and not enough answers makes me feel stressed out and worried that I am missing out on something.
My heart is in a tender place right now as wait for the return of my love, worry about my father’s health and worry that I have so much to get organized and no oomph to do it. It is like I am waiting for something to happen so I know the direction to head in.
As I write this I come to realize that I have no lessons to share, no wisdom to give to you my reader, just my confused thoughts and worry that I am losing my drive. My drive is what I have always counted on when I am at a loss and yet this time I have nothing. Maybe this is the lesson; gaining the ability to sit in this place of un-decision and know it is the perfect place for me to be in the moment.
Okay, time to be gentle with and allow myself to be quiet in this time. Allow for my heart to grieve, miss and question everything and nothing all at once. It is time to write out the things I think I need to focus my attention on so I can let it go without guilt until I am in a place to deal with and handle the business of my life. It is time to figure out where I want to focus my attention instead of where I think I should focus it. Most importantly, it is time for me to breathe and just allow myself to be in the moment.