Sex does not define who I am…anymore
Last night I sat with a friend and talked about shifting beliefs and the moment of knowing you were in your power as you took control of the belief instead of the belief controlling you.
For me this was in 2010 when doing the Calling in the One program. I realized that I was living out a belief that I was not worth more then sex in a relationship. I was using sex to build a relationship because I did not believe I had any other worthy attributes to offer a potential partner.
I knew on one level that was not truth, however I would continue to repeat the same cycle again and again, not even noticing that I was getting the same results; a broken heart and a lack of fulfillment.
It was through the process of the course that the belief was realized but I still did not know what to do about that. My answer? Stop dating. That could not and would not last long. I was looking for my one true love and no way was he showing up if I closed myself off to dating.
Then I read the Steve Harvey book Think like a man, Act like a lady. Finally some information I could put into use. There is a “cookie” rule. This I could work with. No sex for 90 days. Yes people, he said it; 90 freaking long days of just dating no sexual activity… Hell, I was going to try this, because nothing I was doing was working.
At this point of the conversation I realized that I owe a man a huge thank you and I want to share with the world why and say to him; Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to respect myself, my body, and giving me a chance to explore new boundaries within a relationship. I will never forget the gift you gave me and I will always love you in my heart.
I started dating a man I had dated and been sexual with before. I expressed to him that I was not able to enter into a sexual relationship with anyone for 90 days. I explained the recent belief I had discovered and told him how it had impacted my life.
At first the man thought I was kidding and joking and he pushed me to see if I would cave into the pressure to have sex. As a second date this did not go over well with me. I knew I was serious and I knew that by caving into the pressure I would only undermined myself and continue to hurt myself,
I felt myself getting angered by his advances. It was after the second time he tried to push me down on the bed while kissing me that I pushed him aside and said “Okay, well I am going home.” He was like “what’s wrong. Don’t be mad….” In that moment I felt my personal power rise in my body and I looked at him and said “I have told you that I will not have sex and you keep pushing. This tells me that you do not want a relationship with me but that you just want sex. That does not work for me. Have a good life, I am going home.”
As I turned the door handle he grabbed my hands and turned me around. With gentle eyes he asked me to stay. He apologized and told me that he understood that I was being serious and not playing “hard to get”.
For the new few weeks we dated. There was no pressure to have sex, no pushing the boundaries, just dating and getting to know one another. I felt like a lady and it was amazing. The more he respected my boundary the more I was able to trust him and in turn surrender into him as my feminine being.
One night after a great walk he kissed me good-bye. It was an amazing kiss filled with passion and I surrendered with a slight moan. He immediately pushed me away from him and I was confused. Then abruptly he told me he could not do “this”. I had him explain what “this” was – kissing and hand holding and hugging…he could not handle touching me knowing that he could “touch” me…As long as we were not going to be having sex he could not handle the kissing and touching because it made him want more with me.
I was shocked and in the moment thought “Okay, fair is fair…” I said goodnight and got into my car. Tears immediately flowed. I was so hurt. I did not even understand what was hurting me, just that I was feeling hurt.
As I drove towards home I got angry with him. How dare him. No sex therefore no touching. Here I was again, with proof that I was not worth more to him in the relationship without the sex. Fuck him. I was done.
The following day I waited till he was done work and told him I was coming over to talk. I was angry but I was mostly hurt and knew that I needed to end the relationship.
When I arrived, I went to his apartment and sat in silence with him across the room from me. It felt awkward not giving him a hug. I told him that I was going to respect his boundary of not touching him. However his boundary did not work for me in the content of a relationship. I expressed to him that the withdrawing of all physical contact reinforced the belief about sex and that it hurt me. I expressed that I cared about him but that I would rather be alone then have someone punish me for trying to shift a belief in myself that had been causing me harm and hurt. I then stood up to leave with my heart aching.
He quickly told me what was happening for him. He expressed that more trust I was feeling towards him and the more he felt me surrendering into him the more he wanted from me and our relationship. The more it was hurting him to not be able to show me how he was feeling about me, he wanted to claim me and let me know that no other man could love me more…but he was conflicted because he wanted to show me respect by not pushing the 90 day rule. He wanted me to be able to trust him however touching, kissing and holding me was hurting him too.
By this time we were both in tears. How were we going to move through this without hurting one another? We found a comprise and for a while it worked…then it happened. One day my heart was so full of love for this man that I wanted to gift to him my body, my heart and my soul. The 90 days were not up but I now fully trusted that he was not with me for sex but because he truly did see my value in the relationship.
One night things started to move a little more into the “hot and heavy” area and he pushed back and said NO. I was shocked. I knew he wanted more, I could see it but still he held me at bay and simply said “ I love you too much not to finish the 90 days”. I was so blessed, honored and pissed off in that moment.
That relationship has shifted ever other relationship I have entered into. Although we did not work out he gifted me by allowing me to set a boundary, change a belief, and honored who I was. I will forever be grateful to him for that.
Although I have never set another 90 rule I got what Steve Harvey was getting at. He was saying simply “HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT”. Since then I have entered into purely sexual relationships with a knowing that sex was what it was going to be about and that was okay with me. However I have also entered into every relationship since 2010 with my own respect for self. I am more freely able to speak my truth and walk away when the relationship is not serving my higher good. It is because of that man, that I am able to love the new man in my life and surrender into with an ease I never knew before respecting my own heart, my own body, and most importantly valuing myself.