Some Nights

There is a song from FUN called SOME NIGHTS which has haunted me for months – not the whole song but just parts of it that have stuck out in my mind. I figured this was a good time to look at these lines and see what it is bringing up in me.

What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don’t know anymore…

There was a time in my life when I knew the answer to what I stood for however over the years so much of my beliefs and values have shifted leaving me wonder what is it that I stand for? What is it that gives my passion it’s fire. There are so many things off the top of mt head I can think of but when put to the “test” they fade easily and the passion i once had fizzles making me realize I no longer feel the need to fight for what I believe.

I walk through life more and more feeling from my center and a sense of knowing. I no longer need to fight to be heard in my beliefs because they are mine and mine alone. I still will stand up for those who can not. I still will speak what is truth for me maybe this is what I stand for – truth as I know it.

This is it, boys, this is war – what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?

I always sing What am I fighting for? It was interesting to me to see that the line is what are we waiting for? I feel like I am struggling to keep up and stay on top of my world but I keep falling. It feels like if I stop fighting (struggling) I lose this war I am playing in my mind. Maybe that is just it; What am I waiting for? A change? A difference? Maybe I am just waiting to know it is safe to jump.

Why don’t I break the rules already and play my own game instead of the one where I am playing small? I never use to play by the rules. I use to be a rebel and I walked my own path – the path of most resistance, it is true, however it was my path and no one could tell me how to do it better, easier…. it was my EGO that lead my way and it served me well. I have many life lessons and experiences I would not have had if I took the easy way. It is time to start breaking the rules and to stop waiting.
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Mmm… Mmm…

Now what? Here I am years after coming to my inner truth of me. Even still there are small moments with all the shifting that I have experienced that I wonder; who am I in this moment? Who is feeling this feeling? Who is the one who is feeling disconnected from herself? I know it is all me however who is the me in the moment?

Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible nights… ah…

This is the line that haunts me the most, the one that speaks the loudest. I can not recount the many nights that terrible things happened. The night I was raped, or sexually abused as a small child, the many heart breaks and drunken nights of self abuse because I hated myself. So many nights of hurts that turned into lessons, experiences and opportunities to grow. I took those, I made what could have been a painful life long experience and turned it into personal growth and abilities which help me serve the people in my life fuller. I have learned to forgive and how to love even when my heart is full of fear. I have learned the joys of being a child again by simply playing in the puddles after the rain. Laughing till milk came out of my nose and most importantly by remembering I am going to make mistakes.