Someone to Chase
Inspiration can come from anywhere if you are open to it. This past week I have been able to receive inspiration from two places I would not normally go looking for Blog inspiration.
The first came during an evening EL Presents* night. The topic of the evening was communication. I knew going in that the dyad process would be discussed and that likely an opportunity to complete a dyad would be given…what I did not expect was to be moved to tears and discussion of some of my deepest feelings in that moment.
The dyad was “If you could speak to God right now, Say what you would say”. Easy enough, I talk to God all the time. However what I was not expecting was to be reminded of a moment of finding pure perfection during a dark moment. The dyad instruction brought up two thoughts equally powerful at the same time.
The first was fear. I have been struggling with my health for many weeks and instead of feeling better I seem to be feeling more and more hopeless. No matter what tests are ordered the results are the same and there is still no explanation that can be medically given to me to explain what is happening and how I need to act in order to “fix it” Although I have had issues for years for the first time ever I am truly frightened of what is happening in my body. I feel anger with God for making me “sick”. I feel anger at myself for not treating my body with more respect and taking advantage of it. I feel anger at the doctors who keep running the same tests and not knowing what to do next to help me. I feel anger that I have to slow down and rest more because I do not have the physical energy to push myself through my regular schedule.
The second was an image of a rose I once came upon a long time ago. It was a cold February day and I was walking to my doctor’s office for an appointment. As I past the shrubs growing outside the building I saw the perfect rose. The bloom had been frozen and preserved in perfect condition. I stood in front of the rose for several minutes and just stared at the perfection before me in the midst of a cold snap. In that moment the world was exactly as it was meant to be and there was no question in my heart that this was a gift from the heavens sent to me as a reminder that everything is perfect as it is.
I sat and contemplated the two thoughts for a moment before speaking. As I spoke about the rose tears flowed from my eyes as I expressed the shock and awe I felt finding the rose there, on a bush where it “had no right to be in winter”. Then I wondered if the reason the rose came to me after so many years was a reminder that everything is perfect as it is; including my health.
I spend my life burning myself out. I give and give until I have nothing left and then I feel resentful at how tired I am. Right now I am finding a balance between giving and self care…I have no choice. I can not just take a vacation from life right now so I need to balance the energy I am giving out with the amount of rest I am getting. I have had to ask for help from other and I have had no choice but to let others see me vulnerable.
The next inspiration came to me watching an acceptance speech from Matthew McConaughey at the Oscars. I seldom watch award shows and can honestly say I do not pay attention to acceptance speeches but something made me stop on the channel and something told me to pay attention. In his speech he talked about needing three things in life; something to look up to, something to look forward to and someone to chase. He shared what was truth for him and in that moment I realized it was a truth for me as well especially the last one.
Something to look up to: I look up to God, Goddess, Great Spirit, Universe…call it as you may. I look up to a power larger than me. I have not always had a good relationship with God, in fact for many years I refused to utter the word God, however I have always had faith in something larger then myself. A power that was without words, shape, or description. A power I connected with as my bare feet touched the Earth, the wind caressed my skin, the sun warmed me and the rain washed away tears…something that I could always count on and always felt the power protecting me. This is what I look up to this day and will for all my remaining days to come.
Something that I look forward to: Spending time with the people I love. Moments when my son and I are in complete connection and laughing while we enjoy each other company. My mom as we sneak away for an hour here and there to explore a new place or visit an old favorite. My sisters and brothers including the friends so close to me they are considered my family. Lastly I look forward to the strangers that have yet to cross my path – I look forward to meeting them, loving them and learning the lessons they are bringing.
Someone to chase: I am going to steal this straight from Mr. McConaughey and say I am chasing myself as my own hero 10 years from now. I loved that he stated he will never catch himself because everyday he will be striving to reach his hero 10 years from now.
These words were profound for me because they are in total alignment with a belief I have that when I stop learning I die. I am always chasing myself to be a better me. I am always learning, exploring and deepening my understanding of the world and the people in it. I want to be my own hero. I want to be the “someone” I can look up to and inspire to be like. I want to be the one that encourages me to strive for better, to push a little harder and to celebrate me when I have successes. In 10 years from now I will be strong, wiser and more grounded in my truth. So I am chasing me.
Who are you chasing?
*EL Presents is a hosted on the last Friday of each month in Edmonton Alberta through Edmonton Live. Topics vary from month to month. For further details send me an email.