“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her. “
I came across this quote many years ago when I was in a state of hurt and totally agreed with the words. I remember reading it and feeling that every man I had loved was nothing more than a coward. I let this quote be the justification of closing off my heart to any other man.
I recently came across the quote and immediately remembered how truthful I thought it was years ago but immediately noticed in my body I no longer connected with it as truth. It actually brought me back to a moment of realization I had about three years ago.
I remembered being closed hearted and hurting because I was “protecting” myself from being hurt again. I had a past filled with men who had used me, abandoned me or simply could not be the man I deserved. I dated with a closed heart, had sex with a closed heart and wondered why relationships were not working.
Then one day I met a man I had no intention in loving and he cracked my heart wide open. I surrendered my heart to this man more fully then I had ever before. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in his presence. I trusted him to protect me and my heart. I let him meet my friends – I was getting serious about him.
After two very short months and a night of passionate love making he walked away and left me feeling broken, abused and filled with rage.
He let me love him, gained my trust in him; he let me surrender to him and then left me.
He knew from the start he was not going to be around for long. He knew he would not love me in return. He knew and he woke my heart up anyways.
It took me time to allow the rage to flow. I was in so much pain. My heart felt worse then it had ever felt before. I could barely get through a day without tears or thoughts of him. I wrote him a letter. A rage filled, letter dropping “F” bombs every couple of words. I knew I would never be sending him the letter. There was no point. I just needed to get the emotion out of my body. I needed to get the hurt of my heart, to settle…to numb.
He left me feeling. He had awoken my heart and left me filled with pain. It took me a while but I finally realized this coward of a man actually gave me a beautiful gift.
He left me feeling! I was no longer numb. I was no longer closed hearted – I was awake! It was through his actions that I opened and although he was a coward and although he left me raw, you gifted me the knowledge that I was capable of loving whole hearted again. He gifted me with his presence which allowed for me to surrender. He woke me up and once awaken I could not go back to being closed.
Truthfully his gift to me was a choice. I could have gone back to having a closed heart. I could have chosen to allow my anger to fester and make me justified in my mistrust of future men. But, that is not who I am. I was awoken. I had felt the freedom of the feminine flow (love) and there was no turning back for me.
Yes, my heart hurt – but guess what? I could feel it hurting. That was and still is a gift. It has taken me a lot of healing and time to know that I am forever grateful to the “coward” who woke up my love knowing he would never love me back.