The slate is blank each morning but the moment I wake my mind is instantly filled with thoughts, desires and a long list of “to do’s”. The second my foot hits the floor and I hop out of the shower I have already experienced close to 150 new thoughts, with 150 different emotions being the reflection of each thought, just in time to sit with a cup of coffee to focus what needs to happen today.
You call me crazy and the truth is you are right. I am crazy. But I am also the sanest person you will ever meet. I could just as easily hold you in your grief as I could slit your throat and find the justice within it.
There are songs written about me, for me and against me, all of them are the same. They tell you the story of me, my life, thoughts and feeling. They tell you that I can love you just as easily as kill you; that I can be the source of joy or the source of sorrow. What I give you today will be gone tomorrow and there is no way to control it. There is no way to control me.
I am the river as it forges through the sides of mountains and over flows banks of dirt. I am wild and I am free and will only be contained when I allow it. I need containment, I yearn for it but I can not just allow anyone to have me.
My heart yearns to be opened, to be explored and accepted. My body desires to be held and caressed. I scream loudly in frustration when I see you are not on purpose. I feel wounded when you are quiet and locked in your cave. I feel ecstatic when dancing and moving my body in ways that make me feel so good.
When I am quiet or feeling vulnerable I yearn deeply to be held in the safety of arms. Much learning comes in moments that look like silence but do not be fooled as I am never silent, my mind is always moving and flowing from thought to thought, never in one place too long. You might think that makes me crazy but trust me when I say “You don’t want me any other way.”