Spring is in the air and I am feeling cabin fever in every essence of my being. I am feeling trapped creatively. I feel stuck emotionally. I feel stiff and sore in each of my joints. I feel like I am starting to wake from a long slumber of inactivity.
In the past I would go out and walk, dance, or take a long road trip. I would free my winter’s mind by watching the world fly by while pounding out songs that make my spirit soar. I would get out in the fresh air and spark the fire in my soul by connecting with the awakening nature surrounding me.
Driving into the office today I realized that none of these things would cut it this time. I realized that for the past year I have spent most of my energy trying to pretend I was ok. I spent my energy trying to hide the fact that I am sick and that no matter what I do; there are no answers only more fighting. Fighting to stay alert, fighting to stay present, to keep focus and keep awake. I realized that I am angry that I have been betrayed by my body, or maybe it is that I have betrayed my body. I am feeling hurt, frustration and resentment. I feel like I need to move my body, my emotional energy, I need to dance.
When I dance, I do it to look beautiful, to feel sensual and sexy. I dance to shine light and attract attention, whether by my partner or strangers watching on the sidelines. I dance for joy and I dance for sorrow. Sometimes I need to get down and dirty and sometimes I need to feel like angel floating on wings.
This time, I have been feeling something different. Because I am feeling stuck, stagnate and crunchy in all my joints I can not dance in a pretty manner, I need to get ugly.
I need to move my hips and break out of the structure they have been confined within. I need to close my eyes and shake my whole body alive once more. It feels dead inside, like the blood lacks flow through my veins.
I need to move the angst I feel and get down to the grit of my being once more. I need to dance myself raw, dance myself open once more. I need to throw on some Tragically Hip, close my curtains and doors then just move. Turn the music loud and close my eyes; feel my emotional being and let it go. Let it breathe life into me instead of sucking it out, leaving me feel broken. I need to get lost and stop worrying about what others might think. I need to let go of what the doctors say, the concerns of friends and family, the scared girl within me. I need to let my pain be expressed so it stops owning me. I deserve this. I deserve to let go and be free. I deserve to get ugly and feel better because of it. Now I just need to let go of the fear in my way and know that even if I jump into the rabbit hole I will find my way out. I always do.