What an amazing year
The New Year approaches faster then I wish. It is time once more to look at my life and how I am living my purpose, to make new goals for the coming months. All in all the past year has been a deep healing one. I have stepped into my power and co-facilitated a healing course for women (my passion) and as a result I wrote out my story about my own healing journey.
The year started with me going into quietness within myself. I was with a man that I freely admit is all kinds of wrong for me and deeply addicted to. I saw his beauty and although we had been down the road before once more I allowed my heart to open to him. To feel his love for me knowing it would not last long because he was not ready to step into himself and risk being hurt once more.
I volunteered at a course on relationship and the weeks before I felt sadness, a pain I could not explain. On the exterior my life looked good however I was so sad and “broken”. As I went through the weekend I was thrown into practice and I went deep…I had no choice. My heart needed to express and to be healed. Leaving the course each night I cried out for the man who I had given my heart to and from across the country he reached out. I knew then that he loved me and that we were connected….but I also knew that in less than a month he would be gone and that this time I must let him go fully. On the final day of the course I cried out that I needed to go home. I knew I needed to return to BC and that I needed to heal a part of my life I had tried to forget.
In March I headed back to BC and spent a week walking through my life I once lived. I laughed in a space that I had once felt dead and needed to escape. I sat on a beach in the pouring rain and cried a deep mourning I had been holding in my heart and chest. I danced in a place that had seen my worse and my best over the years. It was there that I truly brought my past and present into alignment As my body moved to Bob Marley on the black and white checkered dance floor I felt Source flow through my body and for the next four hours Source moved through my body and I flowed in a way I never knew possible. It was messy and beautiful all at once…and it was public, there was no hiding the truth of my dance that night.
Coming back home I was a new woman and I was ready to teach women, to open women….I was willing and able to allow Source to flow through me to follow my true purpose on this plain.
June was month of the course. There was so much pain in both myself and my participants. I was open to it all and at the same time only took on what was mine allowing the women in the course the power to owe their own pains and grief. I found myself pushing women hard to break through their self-imposed walls and then catching their fall as they tumbled out of the dark into the light of knowing they were starting to let go of the hurts in their life.
After the course I had some truths to face. I needed to talk to my partner and I needed to realize that I had the strength and ability to facilitate the depth of healing I wanted my participants to reach without a second facilitator. It was also about this time a friend asked if I was willing to write out my healing story for the world to read. I said yes without even knowing the “how’s or ifs” I just said yes.
I realized I had been playing the Yes game for a while. I was asked to do things I did not know possible and I said yes without knowing what the outcome would be…
The writing of the book sent me spiraling into a depth of hurt I had never truly allowed myself to feel during my journey of healing. Writing took very little time – it had become all-consuming and took every free moment in my life and I loved it. However I also felt so much pain. Pain that no matter how hard I tried to release, continued to sit on my chest holding me down. Once the book was done I went into panic. These words would never be able to be taken back once the book was released…was I willing to hurt my family this way…hurt my father…..
I did the only thing I could think of. I called my Editor and let him know that I would not be sending him the book till January 2014 so that I could come to terms with the words and be willing to stand in my own judgements and fears of the book…..That was months ago.
After I was done writing I went back to my birth city and my childhood home trailer park to take photos for the cover art of my book. It was an amazing trip back home and my second into BC this year. Again it was filled healing and deep despair. I look at the photos taken during that time and there are few I like. There is so much pain in the little girl shining through my body and eyes. Months later I find myself looking back on the photos and feeling a sense of understanding. These photos are dark emotionally…they truly show the pain my inner child felt growing up. They show the pain I was releasing siting on the steps of the cabin of my childhood home…they are beautiful…just dark.
Now I find myself in the month of December, almost the middle of December and I feel no more ready to send the book then I did months ago. But I am going to. Why? Because it scares me and if it scares me then it is a part of this journey and I am not going to allow fear to stop me this time round. I am a powerful woman.
I have been facilitating a Body Image course for the past three months and it has been amazing. I have seen the women bloom and come into their own which is awesome. It warms my heart to see my work making a difference in the lives of women around me. I have been in touch with more women regarding coaching and I know that in this moment the Universe is telling me it is time to get back to my purpose. My time to grieve is ending and I have a choice….stay and continue to hold onto the past or move and make a difference in my world….the choice is easy.
I have two weeks off work coming up very shortly and I will be working on a few things with my book as well and figuring out how to move forward with my Healing Hurt course. I will be working on my Body Image Class and will be looking for topics to Key Note Speak about. However I am not planning all work and no play; I am leaving for a weekend Spa Retreat. There I will read and relax. I will allow myself the rest I need and will enjoy every moment.